Truth, Justice, and Throwing Your Gun at People
by Unassailable Heart
Summary: Proof the American Way wins out every time, even in Gotham. Total crack fic.


Jason Todd, the Red Hood, picked up a piece of Kryptonite, examining its jagged surface.

"Nice."

He dropped it back into the container of pure grade Kryptonite shards he had just pirated from Lexcorp.

"Well, time to make my escape," Jason said, putting the top back on the box and preparing to exit the half blown up armored car. "You'd think people would stop shipping dangerous stuff through Gotham."

"I agree," boomed a patriotic voice from outside, and the scent of apple pie permeated the air.

Jason dropped the container and pulled a gun out of his holster. "Back off! I'm armed with Kryptonite, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

A puff of cold air was blown into the car and the box was frozen in a block of ice.

"Aw shoot."

The metal of the car was torn away suddenly, revealing a dashing figure in a blue and red costume. "Hold it right there, son," Superman said.

"Daddy issues activated," Jason said, raising his gun and firing.

The bullets bounced harmlessly off his chest, and Superman looked sympathetic.

"Shoot," Jason said again, and threw the gun at Superman, which also bounced off.

Superman landed and walked toward Jason. "Now listen here-"

" _Nug-"_ grunted Jason as he hit Superman as hard as he could in the face. " _Aaaaaaaah!"_

Superman shook his head. "Now that was unnecessary."

" _My hand!_ " shrieked Jason, manfully.

Superman decided to end the fight, and 'gently' slapped Jason upside the head, knocking him over and shattering his helmet.

"Ow. Screw you, Harper, this isn't what I extorted from you."

Superman gasped, aghast. "Robin?"

Jason froze in the middle of standing back up, which was bad idea, because he lost his balance and fell back down and had to stand back up again. "Robin? Uh, who's that? It's some small nerdy kid who collects other small nerdy kids, that's not me."

Superman dropped a hand onto Jason's shoulder, almost knocking him over again. "Son, I know it's you. And there's something I need to say to you."

"Ok?"

The wind picked up a little, causing Superman's cape to flutter dramatically. "That black day, all those years ago, when you were taken from us too soon," he paused to look directly into Jason's eyes, instantly making it even more awkward. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

Jason coughed. "Um, it's ok?"

Superman vehemently shook his head. "No, it's not! It's my job to protects all the innocents, and-"

"Look," Jason cut him off. "I appreciate the sentiment and all, but when I was dying, there was a list of people that ran through my head, and to be honest, you weren't on it."

"I-"

"You didn't even make the backup list."

Superman man seemed slightly crestfallen at this.

"Can I go now?"

That snapped Superman back to his usual do-gooder heroic frame of mind. "Oh no. You have to tell me what you were doing blowing up a car and making off with hazardous materials first!"

"Oh shoot," Jason muttered in PG rated anger. "Can't we skip this bit?"

"No."

"Fiiiine. I stole it. I'm a crime lord now. An angsty violent crime lord with no fears and lots of bullets," Jason folded his arms and gave Superman his best _rebel with a dubious cause_ glare.

Superman seemed appalled. "Jay, what happened?"

Jason thought about this. "Envy and resentment mostly."

"Well, its about time you changed your ways, son."

"What? No, you cant just kidnap me and give me a talking to and some apple pie and all of a sudden I'm ashamed of my actions and ready to resume being a heroic cape wearer!"

…

"Just because someone stumbles and loses their way, doesn't mean they're lost forever," Superman told him, framed by the gentle light of the sunset, a gentle breeze ruffling his hair.

"Gosh darn it is this pie good," mumbles Jason with his mouth full.

Superman sat down in the diner booth across from Jason. "And?"

Jason poked at the crust of his apple pie, then sat back and sighed. "Fine. I'm sorry, ok?"

"Like you mean it."

"Really? Ok, ok, fine. I was wrong and acted out on my anger in a completely inappropriate way and I apologize."

Superman nodded. "I accept you apology. But it's not just me you need to say sorry to."

Jason groaned and thumped his head against the table. "Ok, dial for me. Maybe she'll go easy on me..."

Superman chuckled and pulled out a phone.

Jason accepted the phone and pt it to his ear. "Hello? Mrs. Kent? It's uh, Jason. I have to talk to you about something- and apologize."

…

Batman stopped the batmobile in front of the Diner, named in typical Gotham fashion as Diner.

He stalked through the night, avoiding the pedestrians and walking up to the door, taking a moment to look around before entering, determined to find Superman. An informer had contacted Batman and told him that the alien had been seen in Gotham, and Batman had tracked him to the Diner.

As he approached the rather obvious blue and red figure of Superman in a back booth, Batman realized he wasn't there alone.

"And-and, I'm so sorry, for like, _everything,"_ Jason sniffled and Superman passed him a napkin to wipe his nose. "I'm such a bad person, I cut off people's heads and put them in a duffle bag, and everyone hates me and I deserve it... No I haven't told my dad I love him recently either... I told him I hated him but I _lied... why doesn't anyone love me I just want love!"_

"What on earth is going on?" asked Batman, very confused as to why a Justice Leaguer had apparently taken his crazy ex Robin out for pie and was now comforting him during what seemed to be a very emotional phone call.

Superman tapped his finger to his lips in answer. "Sh, he's on with Ma Kent."

"What?"

Jason was openly crying by now as he confessed his every sin to Ma Kent, Mother of All. "And I just punched your son in the face cause I forgot he was invulnerable... An I told him I had no fear and I lied about that too because I'm scared of clowns _I want to kill all the clowns_ and I thought that was reasonable but now I'm thinking its an impossible task I put on myself to try and win my dads love but you know I don't really think I can do that either and _I'm such a terrible person!"_ Jason sobbed into the phone, mumbled a few 'uh—huh's, nodding and sniffling. Then he held the phone out. "She wants to talk to you."

"Me?" asked Bruce, confused and apprehensive.

The murderous glint in Jason's eye got a bit brighter. "No, the other bat idiot who delights in causing child trauma- yes you!"

"Now, there's no call for that," admonished Superman.

Bruce took the phone and put it to his ear. "Yes?"

"Hello dear," said the voice on the other side of the line, sounding as soft and sweet as home made pie wrapped in a hand knit sweater. "I think it's about time you had a heart to heart with your son, isn't it? Now be a good boy, and don't forget to tell Jay you love him."

"Mrs. Kent-"

"Tell Clark to come on home now, and don't forget what I said!"

 _Click_.

Bruce put the phone down. "She wants you at home," he told Superman.

Superman nodded, clapped Bruce on the shoulder, ruffled Jason's hair, and left.

Bruce sat down across from Jason, and awkward eye contact and silence ensued.

"Ok," he said finally. "Lets talk."

…..

 **I'm back, babes.**

 **And out of control apparently. Have a crack fic, and leave reviews!**


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